


Perfectly Fine

by JJKMagic



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Body Worship, Cuddling, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Kissing, M/M, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 17:49:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7723972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJKMagic/pseuds/JJKMagic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon didn't expect much of his new life at the Hotel Dumort, but he especially didn't expect his feelings<br/>for Raphael to change so much.<br/>And if said clan leader turns out not to hate Simon's mundane ramblings as much as he first pretented to either,<br/>then that might just be enough reason for Simon to worry about a problem he had known of for long time<br/>but had been able to ignore... until now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perfectly Fine

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my lovely beta, [Nisha](http://major-titli-superhero.tumblr.com/), for adding a ton of commas to make this more readable^^
> 
> And if you don't have a beta yet why not search for one on the wonderful [Shadowhunters Beta Network](http://shadowhuntersbetas.tumblr.com/)?
> 
> This fic follows the TV!verse but I allowed myself to ignore a few teensy little details. Let's see if you notice them xD

It wasn't what he expected at all, the life of a vampire. That is, _his_ life as a vampire.

That might be because the person he was closest to, in fact, trusted unconditionally to keep him safe and sane (and for a fledgling vampire the latter was just as important because that meant not only he, but also the people around him were safe) was the person that, upon their first meeting, had scared the shit out of him. He _had_ kidnapped Simon, after all.  


And maybe, just _maybe_ , he still scared him, just a little bit, but it was mostly more a form of respect.

He didn't fear Raphael lashing out at him or hurting him in any way, otherwise he wouldn't so freely go on his at times endless rambles about _mundane_ things that he knew drove the older vampire insane. He just... had learned when to stop, when he went _too far_ for Raphael's at times very limited patience. Mostly that was when he started rubbing his temple at an oncoming headache (apparently vampires still got those, which sucked in Simon's opinion).

But Raphael practically prompted these rambles too, so it was his own fault, really. What else was Simon supposed to do all the time they spent together while they were _not_ training. Simon was plenty busy when they _did_ , so much so that he always ended up breathless afterward even though he didn't even _need_ to breathe. So yes, they spent a lot of time training. Raphael was very diligent in making sure he knew how to survive on his own. Theoretically anyway as he had to beg the other vampire to even let him _leave_ the Hotel on his own, mostly to visit Clary (or rather _help_ Clary because that girl sure had a lot to deal with lately. Not that Simon was much better off, he was _dead_ , after all).

At first he had been worried though, moving into the Hotel Dumort. Much like Raphael's instantaneous dislike towards Simon, the other vampires mostly didn't even so much as look at him.  
He was worried that he would be lonely, trotting after Raphael like a lost puppy because he was the only person he had any kind of connection with but... that worry had been unfounded.

Because Raphael was at his side constantly. Well not literally, but it strangely felt that way anyway.

He would disappear regularly, mostly after their training sessions but also in-between to “most important vampire meetings” or something, Simon honestly had no clue, but Raphael was the clan leader now so he didn't doubt that there was much to do. But that wasn't important. _Important_ was that before he could even begin to feel lonely, Raphael was somehow suddenly just _there_ , presumably to check up on him, but then he just _stayed_ , for hours at times and... for no real reason? At least Simon couldn't think of one. After all, Raphael's mostly silent presence always made him burst with the need to talk. So he rambled, and Raphael _hated_ that, or at least he acted like he did. He always threatened to leave, but the fact was... he never did.

And then Simon started to worry for a different reason altogether. Not about Raphael’s presence or even his uncanny ability to somehow just know when Simon needed it but the fact that he just… really liked it? Started to get _used_ to it? Started to look forward to it, _yearn_ for it even? And he was starting to think… it wasn’t the company he yearned for but _Raphael_ in particular.

Because, well… it wasn’t like he hadn’t known immediately that Raphael was good-looking. It was just that recently he started to _really_ notice it? In a staring-at-his-abs-while-training kind of notice it? And he was fine with that! Really, because he skipped that whole part of his sudden sexuality crisis for a much bigger one. One he had actually known of before but had kind of been able to ignore until now. Because, honestly? He had never even gotten close to having a relationship before. Sure, he had had a crush on Clary for basically all his life but even amidst all his daydreams and what-not he had always been aware that it wasn’t even close to being a reality.

But now... somehow he had the distinct feeling that he wouldn't be able to ignore it any longer. Or maybe he was just imagining thin-

“Simon?”

Startled out of his reverie, he looked up at the sound of the by now all too familiar voice, surprised to see a hint of worry in those dark eyes. And that was also when Simon’s mind just shut down and forgot that he had been addressed at all. Gosh (he had to live with that cheap substitute because that other G-word was still off limits) dammit those eyes were pretty and he felt giddy because if Raphael was worried about him he had to care for him in a way, right? But then, what was he worried about anyway? Had he said something? Had Simon missed it?

“You’re quiet, what’s wrong?”

He was admittedly still a little distracted by Raphael’s eyes, (and he was no longer embarrassed about that either) but he caught that and he sure as hell caught the audible worry in his tone too. He felt he had the right to be insulted though. As if he couldn’t honestly be contemplating stuff and just be quiet without there being something wrong!

“Why do yo-,” he cut himself short, “Nevermind. Nothing’s wrong.”

“ _Well, almost nothing, at least,_ ” he added the second part quietly to himself but well, not quietly enough for vampire hearing not to pick up on it.

Raphael raised his eyebrows at that, a bit condescendingly really, (and boy, did he have expressive eyebrows) before schooling his features back into their still slightly worried expression. He really thought something was wrong, didn’t he?

“You know you can talk to me, right? About anything.”

That last part… was kinda new actually. Even though Simon already literally talked to him about everything anyway, but he figured that wasn’t _exactly_ what Raphael meant.

“Uh… that might actually be something I’d rather not talk to you about?” he said carefully.

 _‘Because that would be awkward when it’s about you, right?’_ he added in his thoughts.

But something flickered over Raphael’s expression that almost looked like hurt and Simon hurried to add: “It’s not that I don’t trust you. I trust you, completely, more than I should really! It’s just a weird topic to talk about and maybe I just need more time to think about it myself before I can even put it into words or something? And I don’t want to bother you with that and-”

“Simon!”

Simon stopped talking immediately, his mouth still open on his last word before closing it with a snap.

Raphael looked exasperated but in a fond way. That was totally a thing, right? He was sure people did that, but it was still new? At least, he couldn’t remember Raphael doing that before.

“It’s fine. I didn’t mean to intrude, but if you have any problems, I’m here for you, okay?”

Raphael’s earlier interruption had been a clear sign for him to stop talking. He wasn’t sure if that still applied so he just nodded vehemently in confirmation.

Raphael smirked at that or wait, was that an actual smile? It looked like it, but the light could also be playing a trick on his eyes.

“Good,” he said, and this time it was definitely a smirk, “then I think we still haven’t gotten any training done today.”

Simon groaned.

Don’t get him wrong, training was sexy, simply due to the fact that Raphael was sexy, but training was also still seriously tiring and well, he just wasn’t _good_ at this whole vampire thing yet, _at all_.

And he was quite certain, even with Raphael’s diligent training, that it would stay that way for a while yet. It certainly wasn’t Raphael’s fault either, unless you counted distracting Simon’s subconscious with sexy abs.

**X - X - X**

Distraction, on later thought, wasn't even necessary, in fact, maybe even impossible. If not directly reminded of it, he still sometimes forgot just how _fast_ vampires were. So instead of being distracted he hadn’t even seen _anything_ before he landed flat on his back with a smirking Raphael on top.

Not that he minded actually, not at all, even though he felt quite winded and a bit giddy, especially as, after a moment, the smirk slipped from Raphael's lips to be replaced with... a somewhat thoughtful expression? What was up with that? In fact, why wasn't he moving? They were just staring at each other. Again, not that he minded, because _damn_ , those eyes were just so pret-

Suddenly there were lips on his and _OMG, what-_ Thankfully, for just once in his life, his mind decided to shut down mid-thought and just _feel_.

And what a feeling it was. After the initial shock it was amazing and overwhelming because _Raphael was kissing him!_

His lips were cold but so were Simon's and it didn't matter because the fact that he was being kissed at all made him feel hot all over.

Raphael's lips moved against his slowly but with growing confidence and that alone, the thought that he had been hesitant, as if Simon could somehow reject someone like _him_ , made Simon copy his advances eagerly, or at least try to. Because let's be honest, he had no experience whatsoever, _it was his first kiss dammit_ (the first where he wasn’t under an encanto at least). He was certain that he kissed back clumsily, possibly horribly but it just _felt so good, so right_ that he had to wonder, why hadn't they done that sooner?

Raphael pulled back slowly and Simon had no idea how much time had passed because the awareness of his surroundings had zeroed down to Raphael and Raphael only, _Raphael_ and his visibly guarded expression as if he didn't know what to expect.

But for a moment Simon was simply too breathless to do much of anything, much less to tell him that what just had happened had been okay, _amazing_ really, wouldn't mind doing it again like right now actually. But he was still busy gasping stupidly. He didn't need to breathe, _dammit_ , but habits were apparently very hard to get rid of, especially if you had them for the whole 18 years of your life.

What snapped him out of it though was a most peculiar sensation, soft puffs of air fanning across his face still utterly close to Raphael's.

Had he _just-_?

Had he just made _badass, old, experienced_ vampire Raphael Santiago forget that he didn't need to breathe?

He grinned wide, uncontrollably and the guarded expression fell from Raphael's face, replaced by a far more familiar smirk.

“Now look at that. I finally found a way to shut you up for good.”

That, no matter how out of it he was, snapped Simon out of his pleasant daze enough to respond challengingly.

“You wish!”

Raphael hummed thoughtfully, smirk still in place and still hovering extremely close to Simon's face.

“Maybe I just have to try _again_.”

And so he did, and _how_ he did it. A soft groan escaped Simon's lips as Raphael kissed him again, all earlier hesitance gone.

Simon was left speechless, and quite literally so as it _was_ hard to talk with someone else covering your lips just _so_... well there was no word for it, none that Simon could come up with which was the point. _Speechless_.

Lips, cold and unrelenting, sending fire through his veins, and he slung his arms around Raphael's neck, even though he had no clue what he was doing, just the immense _desire_ to be even closer.

Raphael's tongue probed his lips then and that alone made Simon gasp, an accidental but definitely not _regrettable_ invitation to let his tongue roam further.

Simon had no idea what to expect but that was... _wow_ for clear lack of a better word or the current state of mind to come up with one.

It felt like Raphael was everywhere, around him, in his mind ( _especially_ in his mind, Raphael's name was like the only thing his mind still had a grasp on, and what a _solid_ grasp) but most importantly it felt like Raphael was actually _a part of him_.

It was just a _weird feeling_. Was this what a kiss normally felt like?

He just wish he _knew_. On the other hand he didn't _care_ because it felt right and right now, well he didn't care about much in general, except for Raphael, _Raphael_.

He did not remember telling his hands to bury themselves in Raphael's thick black locks, but he sure didn't bother telling them to stop either.

It was strange that he had known that he was attracted to Raphael but all of a sudden it just somehow came to him that he _loved_ everything about him.

Dark eyes to get lost in, thick perfectly styled hair he wanted to ruin more often than not, wit to _die_ for (even if it was at times harshly directed at himself) and then, most strikingly even if well hidden by an air of arrogance, his _protective_ side.

G- _dammit!_ Gosh, Simon _loved_ him. And he loved not needing to breathe because he was sure that under normal circumstances he would be oxygen deprived by now.

 _'Raphael,'_ he wanted to whisper, he wanted to scream! He just honestly didn't know what to do with all of these _feelings_ right now.

“Raphael!”

That... admittedly wasn't his voice. As they broke apart hesitantly, _unwillingly_ his mind unhelpfully supplied, and got up slowly he also noticed that it wasn't a voice from someone within the room at all, _thankfully_.

“We need to go!”

That, he was quite sure, was Lily, calling from somewhere down the hall. Vampire senses sure were nifty at times. Sometimes they also prevented what might have come as a shocking revelation to everyone, for different reasons.

“I'm coming!” Raphael said loudly, not close to a yell but certainly loud enough for any vampire within the vicinity to hear.

And _damn_ , he was good, but there was still the slightest hitch to his voice that Simon noticed gleefully.

When he looked up at Simon again, there was a fond expression on his face. It was unfamiliar and yet _not_ , he noticed. And even though he was looking down on Raphael he was the one feeling small in that moment but also extremely _safe_ and _happy_.

“Raph-,” he started but a finger on his lips stopped him.

“Shush, _pequeño_. I'll be back.”

And Raphael grinned, but it was more genuine than his customary smirks.

Also, Simon had no idea what the pet name he had just earned meant but he was quite sure if he knew he would be equal parts flattered (simply for the fact that it was a pet name from _Raphael_ ) and insulted.

As it was he was left without anything to say, not that Raphael wanted him to say anything as his gesture had shown, so he just watched as Raphael turned around and left.

Simon's personal crisis started soon after.

**X - X - X**

When Raphael returned that night, nothing much had changed. In fact, there were no noticeable changes in their interactions with each other. If there were a few more genuine smiles, and if some harsh words were replaced with affectionate names that made Simon want to blush then that was for Simon and Simon only to know, but it wasn't world changing in any way.

And yet, he felt their relationship shift profoundly. It wasn't something to be seen, he decided then, it was something you felt, and that was what made him so nervous, antsy, _anxious_.

Suddenly he wanted Raphael's affections, and he _didn't_ because he was scared what else would change, and what if he just _screwed up_?

He just didn't know anything about relationships and what they entailed. He had always avoided these topics simply because he could. There was just no reason to worry what with his nerdy little self being at the absolute outer edge of the single market that everyone just ignored.

And that was fine. He had never seen himself as especially desirable and even if he had he'd probably have turned down any romantic advances because he had been helplessly in love with his best friend for pretty much his whole life.

He wouldn't want any of it anyway and even if for a long time he had honestly wished for that love to be reciprocated one day, well... recently even that changed.

In fact, what if he just generally wasn't ever meant to have a relationship? What if he should just have stayed single, happy Simon Lewis, helplessly in love but _fine_?

Because right now he didn't feel fine, _at all_.

Don't get him wrong. Raphael smiling at him caused an imaginative but wild flattering of his heart. His new pet name made him blush (very faintly), smile and at times even stutter like an even bigger idiot than he normally was. But just- that was _now_! When Raphael didn't know how little Simon really _knew_ and understood and everything and-

He took a deep breath he didn't need.

_He had never even imagined himself having sex!_

There, he admitted it, only to himself but that was fine, it was progress. Telling Raphael that he wasn't just practically a virgin but somehow even more virgin than that, now _that_ he would never be ready to do.

Because Raphael was sexy, _gorgeous-_

He should stop.

It was just... just like how a relationship with Clary had always been something he yearned for but knew to be unrealistic, sex had just been so far out of the question that he just ignored it, avoided even thinking of it.

He had- well, he had masturbated before, _twice_ , but neither were memories he wanted to revisit.

It was normal! It was natural, good, _relieving_! He didn't exactly have many male friends or more than acquaintances really but phrases like that sure hadn't been rare either way. Some people were just too open with their sex life, or their non-existent sex life considering they- 

Enough of that.

Fact was, he had suddenly felt like the odd one out, so even though it had never crossed his mind on its own before he had _tried_. And regretted it as both times (he had given in to the benefit of the doubt after the first disaster) had caused him way more stress than any relief he could ever have hoped to achieve.

He then decided to never revisit that chapter of his life again. It could be “natural” all it wanted, it certainly wasn't _natural_ for him.

But... what if that screwed him over now? He knew less than even the average virgin! And it frankly _freaked him out_ now.

What if- what if-

No, he wouldn't even let it come to that. He decided he had to change _something_.

So he sat down in front of the laptop he had mercifully been allowed to pick up from his home, even though Raphael still wouldn't let him actually _visit_ his family, and... began _researching_.

Nothing harmful could come from that, right? Knowledge was power and all that. And since, well, his partner (soon to be partner?) was definitely, doubtlessly, attractively male he included that in his search.

Whether or not that had been a clever idea he wasn't so sure anymore.

It wasn't even like he had a problem with reading or even talking about sex in general, just... considering that what he was reading would actually soon just... well, _be him_ , was unsettling.

Part of what he read just sounded painful and... _weird_ , for lack of a better word. He was sure people wouldn't be doing it and _loving it_ if it was downright bad, but Simon just... couldn't see the appeal.

And he was back where he began, if not worse off than before.

Was he doing something wrong? Maybe he just had to... _to what?_ He didn't know.

He felt like crying right now. And for once he was glad that Raphael didn't just magically appear out of thin air like he so often seemed to do when Simon was anything less than happy and content. He wasn't sure if that would be in any way helpful right now. And still the thought alone made him smile. Protective Raphael, _kind_ Raphael was probably someone he knew better than most.

G- _dammit!_ Why was this so complicated?

Without a doubt Raphael was attractive, sexy, _desirable-_

Why was Simon just such a clueless nerd? He knew more trivia than anyone he knew but- just for once he didn't know the one thing he _needed_.

What was wrong with him?

He closed his eyes and shut the laptop with more force than was necessary. An ugly crack resounded and Simon peeped once just to make sure he hadn't accidentally (forgetting his enhanced vampire strength and all) wrecked it before he let himself plop onto his bed.

Nope, that definitely wasn't helping at all, just caused more questions he didn't have any answers to.

Well, at least he knew what was coming for him. He shuddered involuntarily.

It couldn't be that bad, could it? It was Raphael he was talking about here! Raphael with eyes as dark as the night and-

Simon sat up suddenly. 

Maybe he had made a mistake after all, he thought, his nerves calming slowly. He lied down, more comfortably this time and- he felt weird, embarrassed about what he was about to do but it couldn't hurt, right?

Maybe he had just never had the right incentive before?

He closed his eyes, tried to relax and thought of Raphael...

**X - X - X**

Hours later he was aimlessly wandering up and down the halls of the Hotel Dumort. Staying in his room had just not been an option after-

If Simon wasn't a vampire, so pale that even a blush hardly made any difference at all, he would still be beet red after that very, _very_ regrettable decision.

G- he had never felt so dirty, embarrassed _and_ desperate before. Definitely, absolutely never ever revisiting that chapter in his undead life again either. It was pathetic, especially if it just _didn't work_!

He decided then (even though it was somewhat scary, _unsettling_ to admit) that he thought of Raphael as ravishingly handsome, there was no denying that. But that just... didn't make him want to have sex with him, _at all_.

But what to do with that knowledge? You could hardly walk up to your lover all “you're sexy and all but I really don't want to have sex with you”. Simon hated his life right now, sorry, _undead_ life.

Could he just pretend? Maybe he was wrong after all and everything would change as soon as the whole thing stopped being a theory and became something graspable-

“Simon?”

He froze, not just physically but inwardly as well and he hated it. He knew that voice, he _loved_ that voice. Was he _afraid_ of Raphael now because of that _bullshit?_

He turned to face the older vampire who smiled but quickly looked worried and stepped closer when Simon didn't react otherwise.

“Are you alright?” he asked, hand raised to Simon's face as if he could somehow tell if he was alright by his body temperature. Simon almost wanted to laugh.

But for once he wasn't. He wasn't alright at all.

“Of course,” he lied, “I'm peachy.”

Raphael couldn't look more disbelieving if he wanted to.

“You sure?”

He let his hand fall away and Simon missed his touch immediately. He just shrugged and smiled.

Raphael let it go, a faint smile appearing on his face again as had become customary around Simon. Simon felt butterflies rise to the air. He ducked his head as if the almost non-existent blush would somehow be too obvious.

When he looked up though he was confused. It suddenly looked as if Raphael was the embarrassed one. He suddenly seemed strangely out of place in the lair of his own clan.

“Are you doing anything?” he asked and Simon raised one of his eyebrows in a decisively Raphael way.

He faked thoughtfulness for a moment before replying as if suddenly remembering: “Oh yeah, you see, I've been wandering up and down this hall for hours now. I'm absolutely super busy doing that for a few more hours.”

Raphael laughed. Raphael Santiago fucking _laughed_. It was soft, more of a giggle if that wasn't a word simply too foreign to use in reference to the clan leader, but it was there, his expression extremely bright and unguarded.

Simon wanted to _melt_.

He loved _him_.

He wanted to _kiss_ him.

He didn't.

“Wanna talk?”

That had Simon at a loss. Like talking like they always did? Daily basically? Why would he need to ask that?

“Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Good,” Raphael smiled and turned around, Simon following him wordlessly.

When Raphael didn't end up visiting Simon in his room they often lazed on the couch in the lounge. Well Simon lazed, Raphael got as comfortable as someone super cool, always wearing suits got.

But... this hallway didn't lead to the lounge. He was about to ask when Raphael stopped and entered a room.

When Simon followed he was suddenly overwhelmed by Raphael's scent which made it needless to ask which room this was, or rather _whose_.

And all at once Simon wanted to be exhilarated, curious, _nosy_ but with his prior mindset he just froze all over.

Why? Was that why he had asked...?

This was as badly timed as it could have been. Simon just _wasn't ready_.

The door closed behind him. He hadn't even noticed Raphael move.

“So-” Raphael started, but Simon acted faster.

Raphael's back hit the door with an audible thud and Simon devoured his lips before he could so much as act.

He didn’t think he had ever managed to catch the older vampire off-guard before but he had now. Raphael's posture was tense, just slowly relaxing under Simon's touch, before he raised one hand to the back of Simon's head, urging him into a more comfortable position for the kiss.

And Simon knew he should enjoy this, Raphael softly nibbling at his lower lip, not actually piercing skin but still sending shivers down his spine with the potential alone.

But Simon's thoughts were running a mile a minute and none of them were exactly good.

It wasn't Raphael's fault, but still Simon felt torn between pressing closer and running from the room to never return.

These emotions were warring within him, coiling in his stomach.

He felt sick but he pressed closer, lips, tongues, he actually lost track. He let his hands travel up to Raphael's chest.

He had read about his, he could do this, _it was fine_.

He grabbed Raphael's tie, a tempting deep red, _blood_ red, clumsily more than anything but he got it loose and off of Raphael's neck more smoothly than he could have hoped for.

Raphael made a questioning noise in the back of his throat but let him be.

Simon didn't know if his hands were shaking or if he just didn't have any skill unbuttoning a shirt, he just knew that it wasn't helping!

He felt the sudden urgent need to breathe, breaking the kiss awkwardly while refusing to give Raphael any room to move.

“ _Si-_ ”

Simon crashed their lips together again before he could even get a word out. He just couldn't, he didn't have room for any doubt now. If he just so much as stopped to think... he didn't know what he would do.

Raphael's shirt was unbuttoned, falling open beneath Simon's hands.

Raphael's hands were on his chest now, trying, but without any real force, to push Simon away but he didn't let him.

Simon's hands followed the length of Raphael's upper body and lower. His hands trembled uncontrollably when he reached his pants. Raphael pushed harder now, wanted to speak but Simon's lips wouldn't let him.

Simon's mind was blank when he unbuttoned Raphael's pants. What... what now?

This, the slightest pause, gave Raphael the chance to move away.

“ _Simon_!” he said loudly, his head turned to avoid Simon's forceful lips. His hands grasped Simon's shoulders firmly, not pushing him away but keeping him still as he looked up at him with a burning intensity in his eyes.

“What are you _doing_?” he hissed but Simon wasn't even sure if he was angry. He looked shocked, surprised, worried, _everything all at once_.

And Simon stopped and _thought_. Shame, regret, self-hate. It filled him all at once and if his heart would still be beating it would have stopped now.

“I'm- I'm so sorry,” he stuttered brokenly, a single tear escaping his eyes without him even noticing.

“I'm so sorry! Maybe I'm just broken or something. It's not your fault or anything but I'm just not ready for this,” he knew he was rambling but he couldn't stop it at this point.

“It's just I _have_ thought about it, I've thought about it a lot really but it just wouldn't get any clearer. It only ever got worse. And I really really like you. And I just want to be close to you, like we are now, not the way we were before! I mean, I just- I just couldn't bear it if- but I just- I just, _I can't have sex with you_!”

He was trembling all over and Raphael just looked at him calmly, thinking, maybe catching up with his words. Simon _had_ just blurted everything at him all at once.

And then Raphael's grip on him loosened, his hands falling away, and as if they had been the only thing keeping Simon upright, he fell forward, his head resting against Raphael's chest.

There was no heartbeat there, no even rhythm, but it was calming all the same as Raphael wrapped his arms around him instead.

They stood there silently. It couldn't have been long but still it felt like forever. Simon's trembling lessened though it didn't stop.

“Who said I wanted to?” Raphael asked and tensed the moment the words left his lips, as did Simon.

His logical side told him he should be relieved but the other screamed rejection at him so loudly he wanted to leave before he even heard what else Raphael had to say.

“That's not what I meant,” he said as if Simon had responded to him, which he hadn't, but his physical reaction had probably been response enough.

“Look, I don't care about sex. I basically don't know anything about sex. Never cared to learn or try.”

Simon looked up at him then, from this position actually smaller than the other man for once.

“R-really? But haven't you been like... around for 70 years? You were never bored or anything-”

“Really. Never.”

Simon just stared at him with big eyes.

“And you were with _Camille_ this _whole_ time.”

Raphael looked appalled that he would even mention her.

“I mean, I don't _like_ Camille but I can't deny that she is a very beautiful woman.”

“ _Please_ don't talk about her,” Raphael said, and he sounded faintly, familiarly exasperated.

Simon giggled and then laughed, softly but incredibly relieved.

It was almost comical.

“I never thought I would be that relieved to learn that my boyfriend is a virgin,” he said amused.

“And willingly so! I mean, you obviously wouldn't be if you didn't want to because you're just,” he glanced at Raphael's bare chest, “drop dead sexy, really, no pun intended.”

Raphael looked like he wanted to object for a moment but then he just smiled softly, his hands rubbing soothing patterns across Simon's back until his trembling stopped fully.

“ _Dios, pequeño_ , just what did you worry your cute little head about?”

“Nothing,” Simon muttered.

 _'Everything,'_ he wanted to say. What came out instead wasn't what he had expected, nor had Raphael.

“I love you.”

Raphael's eyes widened in surprise but his expression was quickly replaced with the same soft smile from before, if not brighter.

“ _Te amo también,_ Simon. _Te amo también,_ ” he whispered and Simon had never heard him put more emotion into words before, so much so that the words themselves became an emotion.

Simon smiled, nuzzling his head into Raphael's chest, for a moment not caring about anything but those words he heard replaying in his head like a soft lullaby.

And here he had almost ruined this with his own stupidity.

His head resting against Raphael's chest, his hand wandered aimlessly, drawing lazy patterns into Raphael's skin. It was easy, _comfortable_.

He did not think about it, until he _did_.

He straightened slowly, just enough to look at Raphael properly, his hair disheveled, his lips kiss-swollen, his shirt hanging askew off his broad shoulders.

He slipped his hands beneath the lapels curiously then, trailed his hands down, exploring more of Raphael's pale, unblemished skin that was hidden from his eyes (he also noticed the faint scar just below his neck and filed that away for later inquiry).

Raphael's hands grasped onto his, stilling him.

“Simon.”

Raphael didn't need more than his name to convey the most different messages. This time it was a soft reprimand.

“You don't have to-”

“But this is fine, right?” Simon interrupted him. “You don't mind, do you? Because I don't!” he hurried to add.

Raphael's grip on his hands loosened.

“It's fine,” he replied haltingly, “it feels... nice.”

Simon beamed.

Raphael's hands fell away again and Simon took that as permission to continue his exploration.

He trailed his hands up and began to push the expensive material from Raphael's shoulders.

Raphael didn't stop him and Simon didn't mean to but he was kinda distracted and so the shirt landed in a heap on the ground before he could catch it. Good to know vampire senses didn't keep him from being clumsy.

He expected Raphael to complain, to say _anything_ but he didn't react at all.

His eyes were somewhat unfocused, staring at a point behind Simon until he noticed Simon looking at him and their eyes met again.

Simon wasn't exactly sure what he saw, just facets of emotion he couldn't quite place, but he was almost sure he saw uncertainty and for some reason he felt the need to grin.

Raphael hadn't lied. This was quite obviously as new to him as it was to Simon.

And Simon felt honored and giddy and _curious_ , but he was also strangely calm. All earlier anxiety had completely vanished with Raphael's openness and acceptance.

It was all Simon needed.

Raphael's upper body was bared to him completely now, so Simon ran his hands over every inch, brushing soft nipples, feeling firm muscles beneath the tips of his fingers.

And then... he did what felt natural and followed the same path with soft lips and even softer kisses.

Raphael gasped softly and it still amazed Simon that he could affect him like that at all.

“ _Simon._ ”

He barely heard the whisper, too focused on the fingers slipping into his hair encouragingly.

And suddenly Simon himself felt the need to gasp. He didn't know what it was about the gesture, about _any of this_ , that felt so intense, he just knew that it _did_.

Questing fingers and lips traveled as far as they dared and then Simon's eyes returned to Raphael's opened pants.

He felt like he should be embarrassed but that was gone. Now he was only curious.

As soon as his hands touched the material though Raphael's hands stilled.

“Simon.”

It was a reprimand again but it was also a question and Simon just wanted... he wanted...

“I don't- I mean... I just- I just want to _see_ you.”

And he really hoped Raphael understood what he meant because he didn't exactly know himself and he sure didn't know how to word it.

Raphael's hand slipped from his hair but somehow their wordless communication just _worked_. Simon didn't know if that was a vampire thing he didn't know about yet, but he just knew that Raphael wasn't dismissing him, he was just giving him room to move.

And Simon still hesitated. He knew he wasn't doing anything wrong. In fact, his intentions were perfectly innocent but it still felt world-changing just touching the material, let alone sliding it down Raphael's long legs.

Pale, unblemished skin as far as he could see.

Raphael allowed him to remove his shoes and stepped out of the material now pooling at his feet.

Simon just took him in, all of him, his whole body revealed save for the black velvety material still clinging snugly to his... ah, _behind_.

And Simon found he had forgotten suddenly essential words, _or_ maybe he had actually just discovered a hole in his wide cultural knowledge.

Raphael wasn't wearing boxer shorts to cover his quite _enviable_ features. Simon knew that much because he was wearing them himself. However he had lost the word for what Raphael was wearing instead. He was quite sure the female equivalent was hot pants but- he should probably cease that line of thought.

In short, Raphael was just undeniably and perfectly gorgeous from top to bottom. It was basically unfair. Simon felt the need to let him know as such.

“It should be illegal to be this gorgeous.”

Raphael just looked at him blankly.

“ _Idiota,_ ” he muttered but Simon was quite sure if vampires could actually blush Raphael would be.

He grinned.

“Could you _stop_ swooning over the person standing right in front of you?” Raphael asked fondly exasperated as Simon had gotten used to him being.

Simon faked thoughtfulness for a moment but then just replied, still grinning: “No, _nope_ , you definitely gotta hear this.”

But then Raphael ducked down to Simon, still more half-kneeling in front of him than actually standing, and just ran his hands through Simon's hair with the only intention to mess it up.

“H-hey!” Simon spluttered but smiled anyway.

Raphael grinned.

“Now get up.”

Simon did, facing Raphael's rather intent gaze.

And then there were hands on Simon's hips and for a moment he didn't know what was going on until they tugged at the hem of his shirt with intent.

Simon felt heat rise to his cheek though he knew it wouldn't be visible. He grabbed Raphael's hands trying to stop them.

Raphael just raised an eyebrow at him (damn, those eyebrows).

“Uh, maybe...”

“Oh, I see how it is. I get to be manhandled and undressed and you never even planned to return the favor.”

Simon opened his mouth to protest but Raphael just clicked his tongue.

“No can do. Not even I am _that_ generous.”

Raphael grinned, and Simon would have said “wolfishly” if he didn't know how upset the vampire would get at being compared to a wolf in any way.

His next words got lost in a rustle of material anyway as his shirt was pulled over his head before he could so much as react.

And, wow, he had obviously been naked in front of others before, even more so than now actually, but he had never _felt_ that naked before.

He crossed his arms in front of his chest, not really hiding anything, not really _needing_ to hide anything but wanting something to cover his sudden sense of vulnerability.

Raphael wasn't even touching him. Only his eyes wandered across Simon's exposed skin, but Simon felt hot all over.

“Could you stop?” he croaked after a moment of unbearable silence.

Raphael's eyes snapped up to his face again and he grinned, Simon was almost sure to see a flash of fang.

“You really can't take it, can you?”

His grin spread even wider.

“Then this is going to be even more embarrassing for you.”

And Simon knew what he meant and what he was about to do and just why did he have to be so bad at this whole vampire thing that he couldn't even stop the other vampire before he was able to seize and unzip the fly of his pants?

He would be redder than red, redder than even tomato red, _redder_ than freshly spilled blood (oh, bad line of thought) if he was still human.

All he managed was a very manly squeak but Raphael didn't show any mercy and so he was left standing in his _boxer shorts_ before long.

It was unbearably embarrassing and suddenly he was aware Raphael was getting revenge for a very similar feeling.

It was weird and even though he had been aware he still very belatedly realized in how similar situations they really were, even with Raphael having quite a few years ahead of him.

“Are you done now?” Simon asked, his voice incredibly tiny in the face of his embarrassment.

Raphael on the other hand was looking extremely smug now.

“Oh, I don't know...”

He expected it to be an empty threat, Raphael _often_ made these, but suddenly the ground disappeared beneath his feet and next thing he knew he was lying on a bed, well, not just any bed, a very _distinctive_ bed, belonging to Raphael no less.

Simon was confused, for a moment even shock wanted to settle in his non-beating heart but Raphael was just lazily sitting at the edge, looking at him.

Simon relaxed immediately, even regretted the line of thought his mind had been about to take.

Raphael got onto the bed completely then, looming over him, deep black orbs just staring down at him.

That loving, intense gaze sent shivers down Simon's spine.

And then Raphael returned _the favor_ , cold hands and lips on Simon's bare skin, and it should not be possible for them to ignite such heat but they just did.

Simon squirmed, but it wasn't uncomfortable, just _intense_. He felt worshiped in a way, and that was just _strange_.

He buried his hands in Raphael's hair, much like the other had done before.

Simon almost giggled when the sudden thought occurred to him that their hair would probably suffer the most from their relationship.

It was a silly thought. It was such a _Simon_ -thought that he noticed that for a while there he had almost stopped being himself. But Raphael had _saved_ him.

Raphael. _Raphael_.

Now that was familiar, his thoughts being consumed by the mysterious and still somehow predictable man with the dark eyes and ridiculously expressive eyebrows.

A big smile spread on Simon's lips and after a while Raphael was moving, this time settling idly next to Simon.

Simon turned to him, smile still in place though it turned slightly mischievous, before he flipped their positions, leaning over Raphael now.

“Say, don't you have any important vampire meetings to attend?”

Raphael made a sound suspiciously close to a snort.

“I wouldn't be naked-”

“Technically you aren't _naked_ ,” Simon interrupted.

“Close enough.”

“Close enough,” he agreed easily.

“-in bed if I had somewhere to be,” Raphael finished his sentence.

“True. Because then you would have to rush there naked. Although with vampire speed you could probably get dressed and still make it in time,” Simon rambled on.

“Simon.”

Fondly exasperated again, Simon knew what that meant.

“What? Are you telling me to shut up?”

Raphael just looked at him with an almost painfully fond expression on his face. Simon felt butterfly wings tickle his belly.

“ _No._ ”

There was a needlessly Spanish lilt to that word, Simon loved it.

He blinked.

“No? Well... then I'll just shut up even if you didn't tell me to,” he whispered as he leaned closer to Raphael's face.

He connected their lips then, soft and unhurried and somehow that was way more intense than before when he- he should probably just forget that had ever happened. He had been led by a completely wrong set of emotions then.

This, this just was about _togetherness_ , a soft happiness that could only be achieved together, he decided.

Their lips moved slowly against each other, sending soft warm sparks through his body.

He wondered if that was what it meant to have _forever_.

There was no rush, just _feeling_ , lips on lips and skin on skin without any of the sexual association that Simon hadn't been ready for and maybe never would.

But that was fine, _perfectly_.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos are appreciated, comments are loved and if you wish to visit me on my [tumblr](http://jjkmagic.tumblr.com/) you'll be greeted with a hug^^
> 
> Btw, I'll leave it up to you what exactly Simon's sexuality is (Gray-, Demi-, A-), for me it was only important to portray the openness and acceptance towards it, no matter what it may turn out to be.


End file.
